My condolences to the strangers and the fly

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I have this amazing ability to make awkward situations that much more awkward. Today’s shenanigans were no exception.

A good friend of mine’s father-in-law passed away, and today was the day of his visitation. It was held in a small older church in a even smaller, almost non-existing town in Missouri. When I made it to the church I was quite surprised with the attendance of the funeral, as I barely knew the town existed. They were lined up down the block. This guy apparently was a heck of a man. I got in line to pay my respects. People continued to pile in behind me, hugging each other, some crying, some laughing, some random “whats for dinner?” chats. The typical small town response to tragedy.  I even got a few, “Hey, How are you sis, It’s been a long time!” or “You know the Lord sure has missed seeing you in His house!” I smiled, nodded. I thought about explaining I was from out of town, had no clue who they were, and was just here for moral support for my friend, but,  well smiling was easier, and less words. Also, it was quite fun watching their wheels turn trying to remember who I was, some looks almost accusing.

Like, “Yes folks, I drove to small town Missouri to funeral crash. My Sunday afternoons are quite pathetic.”

– Back to the story –

About a half hour of standing in line, I made it to the doors of the church, signed in, and made my way around. I saw the gentlemen lying in his casket.

He looked quite peaceful. Then out of nowhere comes this fly. Y’all this thing was huge. He was like Godzilla fly. He was walking all over his face apparently giving his last respects. Who knows. Maybe he was an old pet, or just looking for a good meal. I just knew I should do something. I mean, everyone saw it. It needed taken care of before it created a scene. We all know flies can get pretty emotional at funerals.

I quietly blew in the direction of the fly to cause it to move. It didn’t. Not even a centimeter. Apparently it was wearing a wind-breaker.  I looked around to see if anyone was paying attention. Being assured no-one was watching, I broke out my ninja stealth skills to gently “brush” the fly away without actually touching the man. With success, the fly flew for a second unable to resist my wax-on, wax-off maneuver. However, it became an emotional wreck, and returned on his nose refusing to be parted from its beloved. After gazing around the room quickly again, I decided matters needed to be taken a little more serious. I went from Karate Kid to Jackie Chan.  I took a good swing at him. I  may have underestimated my abilities.  The fly was sent clear into tomorrow along with the man’s glasses. I attempted to straighten them, and quickly move away without anyone noticing, but my friend is also a ninja with keen senses. She saw the whole thing, and let out a giggle. The lady behind me gasped, and seemed pretty appalled at my “There was a fly” response.

I can hear my friend audibly laughing out loud, I quickly turn away, gave my friends a hug, said my condolences and practically ran out of the church.

On a good note, it was only his glasses that got knocked off, and not his nose.

And with that, I need a cup of coffee.

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9 Responses

  1. Raine C. S. says:

    This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Thank you so much for writing this. I can’t stop chuckling at this image. I’m literally dying over here (please don’t hit me!)

    • Joseph says:

      Well.. your humor sure does fit this topic. Maybe my wife will get an invite to your visitation. She’ll be more than happy to be on fly duty.

      Prayers that’s many years away.

  2. Vicka says:

    I definitely laughed at this one. I’ve definitely had some awkward moments with flies also. I am an aspiring blog artist/writer as well and haven’t been working on it lately, but would like some input if possible. Check me out at vickachicka.blog

    • Joseph says:

      I’ll look! My wife has been writing quite a long time on Facebook. She likes to make the whole world cry. I’m new to this. I’d rather everyone laugh. Personality clash?

  3. Laura Tulip says:

    This is so good. Your blogging style reminds me of mine, although I don’t really have a style… you seem to write what you want to write, not just what the reader is presumed to want to read. Very good work.

  4. Raine C. S. says:

    This weekend my cottage seemed overrun by flys. Your wife available for removal duty?

  5. Emily says:

    Hahahahahahaha. Oh my gosh. That is too funny. But as you said, at least you didn’t send his nose flying.

    • Joseph says:

      I’ll try to keep her from doing that in the future as well. We don’t need some old lady passing out on us in shock.

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