I Have Failed, Forgive Me?

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Eating is definitely an addiction.

I just simply love food, and have trouble turning it down.

I told everyone that reads my blog a year ago that my goal was to drop 100lbs in a year. For a big guy like me, it should have been a very reachable goal.

I didn’t make it, I’m sorry to say. I had dropped 50lbs total before failure reared its ugly head. To date, I’m bigger than before I began the journey for weight loss.

Food is a big part of daily life. It’s so easy to over-indulge. Friends gather at the table and at restaurants. Churches have carry-ins. Your mother invites you over for a full spread. Heck, simple boredom leads to eating. It’s not an excuse, but it is a struggle.

People who eat themselves into a heart-attack know full well they are doing it. Do you think they want to go the way of grease clots in the veins? Absolutely not. Nobody truly wants to die. The man who jumps off a bridge typically regrets it on the way down.

I’ve recently started having sharp pains in my chest, and feeling all the energy drain out of me. The paranoia set it rapidly. I’ve had family have heart attacks. I began researching all the signs and symptoms. Death has been on my mind for days. I really don’t want to die. But yet, I still ate brownies this morning. Why? Because they were there. They were accessible.

I mentioned my fear to my wife. She handed me Arby’s fries the same week. Why? We don’t think about it. Food is such a natural thing. Eating is necessary. Food gluttony is so easy to give into because there are no immediate repercussions. Drugs cause withdrawals, decay, and all kinds of crazy things that people can almost automatically guess, “Hey, they are a drug addict.” But food? Sure, you get bigger if you don’t have another type of eating disorder. But there are healthy bigger folk too.

I want to get healthy. I really do. But I struggle. I guess we all have our struggles.

I apologize for giving you all the hype of my weight loss, and then letting you down. I had everyone routing for me, and then suddenly my pants are too small again.

This is a journey that we have to do together.

The important thing, I’ve learned, is that when you fall, start again. This is my life that’s on the line. It’s the future security of my family. I don’t want them to be without a father.

I’m going to try again. I might fail again, but, I’ll try again after that as well.

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