Help, I’m Being Attacked by Spiders and a Crazy Lady

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I was insulted by a sleep walker.

It’s ok. I’ve grown used to it. You see. This sleep walker is my wife. The husband abuse hotline never took me seriously when I turned it in however, and I wasnt willing to take it to court. So now I just take the abuse like a man.

Let me give you an example.

I’m lying in my bed reading a book with my wife thundering beside me in her usual, peaceful snore that could wake a deaf rhino during a stampede. It’s adorable really. When suddenly, the demons speak out from her sleeping body.

“Did you give her the thing?”

“What thing honey?”

“The thing!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just shut up, idiot! ”

And thus my nights have been for 11 years of marriage.

Throw in your occasional nights of her jumping out of bed pointing at an empty space screaming the giant spiders are trying to get her, and it makes a very interesting relationship.

Now before you start thinking she’s insane, which I do not deny, you must know that she simply skips a layer of her sleep making her brain stay active during the night. It doesn’t go all the way to sleep.

So, now you understand why she is cranky during the day….

And why I look like I have battered spouse syndrome.

And with that, I need a cup of coffee.



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5 Responses

  1. Alex J Brown says:

    Hahaha I love it. I have night terrors so I’m sure my partner feels this way too, but the insults on your wife’s part are a nice touch.

    Alex J Brown

  2. Raine C. S. says:

    haha, this is funny. My sister-in-law is also a sleepwalker. As a dentist, she seems to like to dream about work a lot. My brother frequently wakes up to her sticking her fingers in his mouth and saying “Open wide”. Thanks for sharing, got a good chuckle.

  3. Raine C. S. says:

    My sister-in-law has been having another good sleep walking experience recently. According to my brother, she believes nocturnally, that they recently adopted a cat. Over the past week or two, she’s woken my brother up several times a night to “pet the kitty cat”…. best part of it all, my brother detests cats, so, it’s become some kind of invisible sleep deprivation torture.

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