Help, I’m Being Attacked by Spiders and a Crazy Lady
I was insulted by a sleep walker.
It’s ok. I’ve grown used to it. You see. This sleep walker is my wife. The husband abuse hotline never took me seriously when I turned it in however, and I wasnt willing to take it to court. So now I just take the abuse like a man.
Let me give you an example.
I’m lying in my bed reading a book with my wife thundering beside me in her usual, peaceful snore that could wake a deaf rhino during a stampede. It’s adorable really. When suddenly, the demons speak out from her sleeping body.
“Did you give her the thing?”
“What thing honey?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Just shut up, idiot! ”
And thus my nights have been for 11 years of marriage.
Throw in your occasional nights of her jumping out of bed pointing at an empty space screaming the giant spiders are trying to get her, and it makes a very interesting relationship.
Now before you start thinking she’s insane, which I do not deny, you must know that she simply skips a layer of her sleep making her brain stay active during the night. It doesn’t go all the way to sleep.
So, now you understand why she is cranky during the day….
And why I look like I have battered spouse syndrome.
And with that, I need a cup of coffee.