Category: Life and All the Awkward Moments In Between

When You Accidentally Walk into an Alfred Hitchcock Movie

We lived an Alfred Hitchcock move. In December, the family decided that we would take a relaxing trip down to warmer climates. My home state had ice storms in the forecast. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Winter is for polar bears and penguins. Since I’m neither, I migrated. Our journey brought us to Mississippi right along the edge of the Gulf of Mexico. Our tropical excursion brought us to shops, cultural foods, and, most importantly, the beach. This sounds like the perfect way to spend a winter day, no? Another family thought so as well, except they were more of the psychotic nature. I swear they practiced some form of witchcraft to bring forth the apocalypse. Let me explain. While we were dipping our bare toes in the cool ocean water enjoying the sun pouring in from the clear blue skies, this other family brought in a sacrifice of whole grain breads, and began this horrible, satanic chant. I can still hear their cacophonic (How’s that for a word choice?) voices echoing in my memories. “Here Birdie, Birdie. Here Birdie, Birdie.” A shudder as I type out these lines. They began to spread out their sacrifice in what could...

My Wife Has an Odd Fetish – But Let Me Explain…

  Wife Watch 2018: People, prepare for the worst year of your life. It will hail frogs. Atlantis is going to sink to the bottom of the ocean AGAIN. All because my wife has yet to fall this winter with the weather showing no signs of ice in the immediate future. It’s going to be Y2K all over again. I suggest everyone who reads this make a mad dash to Walmart in order to stock up on non-perishables. This has been a Wife Watch Update.   My wife loves my nose. I can’t keep her off of it. I mean, I’d rather her not touch it, but she refuses to leave it alone. This has become a serious problem. It all started way back when we were just dating. Things were moving along at a serious pace, so I decided it was time to let her come to a small family reunion (on my mother’s side) with me. We were getting along great. Everyone laughed and had a merry ol’ time. Then the unthinkable happen. My wife turned into a violent psychopath, and struck me right in the face with her elbow. My nose, officially broken. You could tell by...

We All Love Cat Videos – But They’re a Lie! – – – The True Cat Story

  Wife Watch 2018: It’s getting to the point where I am going to push her. In order to save everyone’s lives from the coming apocalypse and impending doom from her throwing the world off its axis, I’m just going to knock her down. You can thank me later while leading your peaceful lives. This has been a Wife Watch Update.     My wife is one of those really soft hearted people… to everyone but me that is. When she sees an animal on the street, suddenly it has a new home. Occasionally this does not turn out the way that you’d expect it to. Not everyone wants rescued. In our younger years, we found one of those situations. With our first child, we had plenty of visits to the ER. New parents tend to freak out over the smallest things, like… having his head dented. (We were told it was nothing to worry about. Happens all the time.) Through these visits, we became friends with one of the on site doctors. This doctor also had a soft spot for animals, but not the time to spend on one with all the working hours that doctors have. There was...

Always be Prepared to Punch a Raccoon in the Nose

Before we get started, a brief update on Wife Watch 2018: It still hasn’t happened. We received a large snow last night. She has skidded a few times, but as not went down. Thus has been a brief Wife Watch update. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a city slicker through and through. I was raised with technology and all the amenities that comes with not having to rough it out in the rural life. My dream job is office work, and I barely know how to change a tire on my own car. And yes, my hands are very soft and velvety thank you very much. My wife on the other hand was raised in backwoods Arkansas. Her grandpa (who was also her guardian) was a farmer. She road in the back of pick-up trucks that traveled 80 MPH down a gravel road. Her hands…. not so velvety. She brought to our marriage one of her traditions. Camping. I’m the type of person that, if I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it right. So, even though I dreaded the prospect of the great out doors, I demanded that we only use a tent with little...

Wife Watch – Winter Edition

Every year it happens at least once. If you know my wife, you know she is absolutely prone to acts of misforntune. I don’t know why. It’s just the way of the world. Have you ever read the Series of Unfortunate Events? Yeah, she’s the 4th, unnamed Boudelaire child. I have come to accept a theory. The reason she is the recipient of so many mishaps and mayhem is as a scapegoat for the rest of us. We live luckier lives thanks to her sacrifice. What is it that happens at least once a year you might ask? When Winter reaches its nastiest peak, she finds that one spot of ice that we all missed, and face plants. Now… I’m not saying it’s funny or anything, but… who am I kidding? I laugh so hard, I nearly lose my own balance. Let me give you a short example. Our very first winter together was a really nasty one. I had yet to discover my wife was a misfortune magnet. We left our vehicle to go inside. My legs are longer than hers, so I am used to arriving to my destination a couple moments earlier. I sat down in my...

Building a Family – How I Met Your Mother

I have been beating myself up the past few days on what to write about. With ADHD and the curse of an Introvert missed together, finding topics of discussion is a real struggle. This morning after some prayer, and direction seeking, I think I have found out what I can talk about for the next week or so. I am, above everything, a family man. My God and my family are the number 1 things in my life. They have to be because it takes a lot of time and focus to raise as many kids as I have. Call me crazy, but I love it. But this family wasn’t always so big. It had to start out somewhere. If you are willing to stick with me for a while, and not get mad at me for hogging the keyboard from my wife, I will take you through the journey of how the family I have today was built, and some of the struggles we went through along the way. Unlike most boys, I matured at an early age. Now mature here is used relatively. I swore that I would always be a child at heart. I still love cartoons,...

I Was a Little Too Intimate with a Bee

Ashlee and I were driving down the highway yesterday evening having a typical couples spat about the weather. She was hot, and wanted to use the air conditioning. I just wanted to feel the open air through the window. The argument got pretty heated. By heated, I mean that I gave in like a scared little boy, and began rolling my window up. You remember how she bonded with a fly? My turn had come. A fuzzy bumble bee flew into our window at mach speeds smacking me right in the face! It wasn’t a cool encounter with a well known Autobot. That would be worth it. This was a much dangerous creature. After a moment of calm, I realized he wasn’t in the mood to attack again. I had considering demanding for his insurance card to pay for damages until I discovered his were far worse than mine. With a broken wing, I allowed him to rest on my shirt under supervision. Cue wife. “EEEK. Get it out! It’s so gross, and slimy, and scary. I cannot handle the pressure of such a grotesque beast in my presence. And I may be a little allergic!” (Ashlee would like to...

I Met a Rockstar at Taco Bell… But He Didn’t Turn a Chair…

Headphones have been around for a very long time now. In case you are unaware, the purpose of headphones is to keep whatever noise that is coming from your digital device locked away safely inside your ears as to not allow or not bother the outside world with hearing it. Today, that purpose was made void. The children were famished. The wife was withering away. We needed a nice, wholesome family meal to fill our tummies, and return us to proper health. So we went to my wife’s favorite restaurant, Taco Bell. It has all the necessary food groups. (Grease, Fat, Soda, and Salt: Makes a body good.) Upon our arrival, an employee was emptying trash bins along the parking lot. Said employee had a pair of headphones in. Opening our doors brought on hoots and hollers from my children in the back. I may have tapped my foot a tiny bit. (Ashlee thinks I was doing a Broadway dance performance.. but she exaggerates.) The young man was singing as loud as he could in a very soprano voice. I believe the other vehicles housed Blake Shelton, Adam Levine, Gwen Stefan, and Alicia Keys , but they were not turning their chairs...

Being an Adult Who Holds Tight to His Sonic ScrewDriver is Tough

Life is a complete emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, I get jealous of how easy kids have life. They’re issues right now is a sibling got more popcicles than they got, or they are being required to let someone else take a turn on Netflix before they were able to finish binge watching an entire season of Power Rangers. Man, it’s hard being a kid. Times is tough. We’re breeding country artists and rappers right and left anymore. Adulthood is a whole other ballgame. I’m 31 years old at the time I’m writing this. I am a freshly minted middle age male. You go from teen and young adult with minimal cares, then suddenly every one expects you to grow up completely, and get your act together.  Where’s the instruction manual, yo? Is there a set time frame that I have to put down all my toys, and get a briefcase? (I do have tons of toys… ehrm… I mean collectibles. I also have a briefcase… somewhere… buried in the rest of the junk.) I’m a struggling nerd trying to find way through a Superbowl type world. You know how hard it is to survive when I’m the only one in...

We Celebrated Mardi Gras.. On a Wednesday.. In June… With a Serial Killer

Yesterday.. We took the family to Six Flags! Well.. technically we took 2 families and 2 friends. Needless to say, there was an absolutely crowd in just us. How crazy to you have to be to take 9 kids ranging 6-11 to an amusement park? Then again, how crazy do you have to be to have so many in the first place? We were completely unaware of any festivities going on so imagine our surprise when we arrived. It looked like Martha Stewart and Louie Armstrong had a baby who went on to be an interior designer. The only thing they were missing was Quasimodo himself. There were streamers, alligators, masks, and half naked dancers everywhere. New Orleans vomited all over the park. They were celebrating Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) on a Wednesday in the middle of June just because… why not? Who are we to judge? We celebrate Jesus’ birthday, and nobody really even knows when that is! We enjoyed all the festivities. The kids were having a merry ol’ time with parades, rides, and costumed zealots. But then my wife met a clown. He approached with his beady eyes set on my wife. There was a sinister step...